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Friday, Dec. 26, 2003 - 12:26 pm
Christmas time for my penis
People. Friends. Lads and ladies. Dogs and cats. Hermit crabs. That guy in the corner with his pants off. I know many of you were wondering. Wondering where I have been. What have I been doing. Why did I leave you alone and cold in the dark. Crying yourselves to sleep night after night hoping against hope the morrow would bring forth a brighter dawn in which I was back and the world was a little easier to bear.
Well today my friends. The world is brighter. It is easier to bear. It may even smell slightly nicer than usual. For today is the day you have all hoped so long to see. I am back. And I just have one thing to say.
Best. Christmas. Ever.
And why was this christmas so good? Why out of all the past christmas days I could have chosen did this one stand out above the rest like a red hot burning supernova of betterness. Because I was fucking drunk that is why. Off of my god damn trolley. See me. I was over here. The trolley. It was all the way over there. With me not on it.
I would tell you why the greatness factor of this christmas was so high but none of you would be able to fully grasp the sheer scale of greatness I am speaking of. Unless you were really big. Like a giant. Or some kind of atomic super man. Or Fat Albert.
Just be confident in the fact that I had a brilliant time. Much family. Much food. Much sexy presents. Also I gave everybody the best presents ever too. I was a god among insects.
Then of course after all the family commitments were over and I fled in to the night fun times began anew. Much friends. Much dancing. Much singing. Much making out. Purty pink panties and one very agitated duck.
Now if you'll excuse me I need to go and watch India finish raping our bums in the first day of the boxing day test. It is kind of sexy.
In a painful bum raping kind of way.
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